on my heart.

isn't it amazing how God is constantly working in your life?  

in everything that you do, He is there.  reminding you of Himself and teaching you in so many ways, if only you are willing to listen.  

i started back to bible study today and i have been looking forward to this all summer long.  

i long for routine and we thrive on a schedule around here so while summer is great in all its lazy mornings and flexible schedules, i am thrilled that fall is here and we are able to step back into the comfort of our routine of 'school' for cole, bible study, wednesday nights at church and the structure that goes with it.   

 i enjoyed the time away from the daily grind in many ways this summer, but i got away from my daily time with God and that time is very much needed.  and while i was anxiously awaiting the start of this bible study because we are studying genesis and i LOVE studying the old testament, God was not quiet during my summer.  i may not have been able to get into the word on a daily basis like i wanted, but God definitely taught me many things.  

He chose this summer to help me grow closer to Him as i grew more aware of my own weaknesses. 

He has shown me areas in my life that i didn't want to look at.  revealed small things in my heart that i have tried to ignore.  while in new york on our family vacation, the speaker for the week talked about our 'sin list'.  the list of our sins that we keep buried away, only pulling out and reflecting on once in a while when taking communion or because we have sinned yet again and we are reminded of all of our failings.  

i have thought a lot about 'my list' ever since.  

i don't like to admit when i have failed and i tend to rank my failings according to how 'big' of a sin they are. 

but God opened my eyes to my list. 

He has opened my heart to areas that i need to change.  

that judging others, condescending glances and thoughts, rude responses, and impatience when driving are all things i do and am not proud of.  He has shown me the little things that He wants me to change that i have considered no big deal.  

how can i teach my children about the fruit of the spirit when i am not exhibiting the fruit i demand from them?  

i tell cole all the time that we need to be kind to others but am i always kind? 

we talk about being patient and obeying the first time that you are told to do something. 

but am i a model of patience?  do i obey God the first time that He tells me to do something? 

God is showing me that i am weak.  i am a weak human who needs an almighty, saving God.  

only He can be my strength.  

i need Him to recharge me daily. hourly.  and sometimes by the minute.

i need Him to get me through the sleepless nights, the crying car rides, the endless needs that my family has.  He has called me to this role and only He can help me complete it.

because lets face it, being a parent is hard.  

it is harder than most other jobs out there.  

my job as a school psychologist was really tough on some days but it is nothing like being a parent.  

why?

because you never stop being a parent.  there is no turning work off and leaving it behind for the rest of the day.  my job is the most important one out there because i am trying to raise these little humans into adults that are not only productive members of society, but are, more importantly, solid followers of Jesus Christ and teaching them to live their lives for Him instead of for themselves.  

is there any amount of money, any new house, car, or other stuff that is worth working for and giving that job to someone else?  

ABSOLUTELY NOT.  

i want to be the biggest influence on my children because despite my failure as a parent on a daily basis, my children are learning what it really is to be a follower of Christ.  that even when you fail and sin and make a mess of things, there is a thing called grace.  there is unconditional love.  there is forgiveness.   we give it because we have received it.  

and we are teaching them to rely on Christ as their strength, despite their weaknesses.  

this has been on my heart and i am sure that God will continue to use my weaknesses to make Him stronger.  this summer he has molded me to acknowledge, confess, repent and now change the many areas of weakness that i have.  

i want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, and role model.

do you?