a changed heart.

the lord has been teaching me so much lately, that i don't even know where to begin.  

i think that most of you know by now that i am a person with strong convictions but as i get older and hopefully wiser, i am learning that i have often been convicted about the wrong things.  

or maybe they are the right things but i have let my own selfish ambitions still get in the way of going even deeper, which is what i really need.  

i think that first and foremost, god is teaching me to get over myself.  

i have been reading a lot the last few months, reading deeper into the word and also reading some books that have changed me.  

for the last couple of years, god has been slowly changing my heart and training my mind to think outside of just myself.  

 for years i lived only for myself.  i tried to follow god's plan, i tried to serve others and thought that i was actually doing these things okay.  but in reality, i was making god fit into my box and into my lifestyle and my desires and i was not truly living the life that he called me to. 

i wasn't full of joy, i was full of selfish ambition.  

 when i was in high school, i had a really hard senior year.  so many things happened with friends and family, not to mention trying to pick a college to go to.  a college guy helping in our youth group spoke tremendous truth into my life one day when he told me that the best way to get out of a funk, be filled with joy and change your life is to serve others.  

this was not entirely new to me since my parents were great role models of serving others and living selflessly.  

but i guess i needed to hear it put bluntly and in my face.  

i have thought about this a lot over the years but i think that it has really been in the last year that god has been teaching me to embrace this as a lifestyle.  

he has been confirming this to me in showing me practical ways to serve my husband and family, helping friends, teaching me to pray more and mostly in changing the way that i live.  

 i want my kids to have role models of people who serve and love others.  role models of people who live their life devoted to god and live a life worthy to be called follower of christ.  i want to them to grow up with a real relationship with god, not just one that is forced upon them by taking them to church and reading the bible to them.  those things are just part of a christian walk.  they have to experience god and see god experienced by others.  

and what kind of parent am i if i do not try to become that model for them?  what good are brenner and i doing if all we do is take our children to church but don't live a life different from the world, one where we are more centered on christ and building his church, loving his people than on ourselves, our stuff and important lifestyle?

 i used to think that if i gave what i was 'supposed' to to god, then i was doing the right thing.  but if i set limits on what i am supposed to give to god, i am setting limits on my faith in him.  i am putting him in my box of expectations and will be disappointed when things do not go my way.

but if i open up my life, pray for divine appointments and interventions, pray for convictions about how i spend my time and money, pray for change in my heart to care for god's people the way that he does, and choose daily to try to be an open book, scripted with god's words, then maybe god will choose me and use me for something amazing.  

he is calling me.  

he is calling me to think outside of myself and to serve others.  that starts with my family but it is intended for many more.  we are called to reach out and serve the world for christ.

he wants to give me life to the fullest and if i am holding on so tightly to my version of life and fulfillment and joy and satisfaction that i can't or won't let go, then i will miss that call.  we cling to our idols and are happy to miserable instead of embracing god's grace and his promise of life...true, full life. 

and we can receive that full life by accepting his grace and giving grace to others.  

there is more to this world than me. 

you would think that this would have sunk in by now.

    i am trying to remind myself of this daily.  

to let go of my idols and what the world, and my sinful self, tells me i need to be happy.  

what i need is a life FULL of christ.  

and when it is, i will be able to love others the way that i should.