thoughts on motherhood.

i am very selfish. 

since becoming a mom, i have rediscovered how selfish i am. 

i knew that as a human, and therefore a sinner, i was a selfish being.  we struggle with putting our own desires behind those of others our entire lives.  as children, we slowly learn that the world does not revolve around us and it can be a painful experience.  in fact, there are a lot of adults walking around that still don't seem to understand that truth.  but as we grow and mature, we must learn that we are not always priority number one and our own desires, wants, and needs often have to take a backseat. 

enter motherhood. 

selfishness is no longer an option.  

i no longer get to do many of the things that i enjoy doing, like reading books, going to the movies, shopping for myself, sleeping in, and going out to lunch with friends.  sure i do these things occasionally, but they are no longer a regular part of my life because three wee littles ones have entered my life and they are now my number one priority.  

i have to plan their day before i plan mine.  

i have to wake up before they do, feed them, clothe them, play with them, teach them, pray for them, and do many other things for them before i fit in things for myself.  

when you become a mother, you have to learn to let the selfish desires go, otherwise, you are not going to be the kind of mother that god calls you to be.  

but i have also learned that i am selfish when it comes to my kids.  

i sometimes want them all to myself. 

the moments do go by so fast that i don't want to miss out on a singe one.  

i don't want to be gone from them during day but instead want to use each day to make memories for us all and capture teachable moments.  even sending cole to mother's day out is sometimes hard, although he loves it so much.  i want to be as big a part of their lives as i can.  i want to be the biggest influence over them.

i know that there will come a day, when i am no longer needed then way i am now.  it will happen slowly, and in fact, it already is.  

i cannot hold my babies for hours at a time.  they don't look to me for their nourishment anymore.  they don't need to be rocked to sleep during the night.

i am lucky to have three kids who love hugs and kisses and so i get about a thousand of those a day.  

but i know they will only decrease in number with each passing day.  

i will miss the days when cole doesn't want to hold my hand and when they don't want to be held after getting in trouble.  i will miss the days when i can no longer scoop them up and shush away their cries.  

i am selfish in not wanting to miss a moment because i know i will look back in my old age and cling to each precious memory that i have with my babies.  

i know that i need to have open arms with them, to let them fly and grow. 

 to help them discover their individuality and grow into godly adults who desire to love and serve.  

but i just don't want to let them go. 

and i truly do not miss my selfish days of doing things for me.

i don't mind not going out much or going to the movies.

i don't mind not shopping or reading lots of books or taking naps or getting my nails done. 

i am truly trying to embrace motherhood as much as i can.  it is hard and challenging and i love every minute. 

being a mom is more fulfilling than i ever thought it would be.  i thought that it would be hard to give up some things but when i looked at what i would be missing, each time with choice seems obvious.  i feel overwhelmed by the blessings that run around me and i pray that i will not take a day for granted because there is no guarantee that we will get another.  

happy mother's day.